26种死法2.5
魔力磁带
不，那部电影是无法替代的 No, that movie was irreplaceable.
闭嘴 Shut it.
魔法贴在哪 Where's that magic tape?
我不可能把魔法贴给你 I'll never give you that tape.
你可还欠着我滞纳金 You still owe me late fees.
去你妈的滞纳金 Fuck your late charges!
你还不明白吗 Don't you understand?
你不配拥有那种能力 You can't have that power.
那玩意儿属于能用它来掌控世界的人 It belongs to someone who can use it for world domination.
值得拥有它的人 Someone who's worth it.
比如我 Like me.
去你妈的大胡子 Fuck you and your fucking mustache.
把这儿给我砸了 Tear this place apart!
杀了他 Kill him!
啊哈 Aha!
看来我得终结你的会员身份了 I am terminating your membership.
开枪打死他 Shoot him!
自杀吧 Kill yourself.
自杀吧，自杀吧，自杀吧 Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.
自杀吧 Kill yourself.
啊哈 Aha!
给我过来 Get over here!
试试这个 Bring it.
太业余了吧 Amateur.
你为主人做的很好 You have served your master well.
这个音像店将恢复原貌 The video store will rise again.
今晚 Tonight,
啤酒我请客 beers are on me.
魔力磁带
分娩恐惧
我今天碰到的每一个人 Everyone I run into today...
额 Huh?
分娩恐惧
邮箱
假象
这是仙女之王 It's the king of the fairies!
他需要帮助 He needs help.
有泡泡说明起作用了 The bubbles means it's working.
你觉得他肚子会不会很痛 Do you think he has a tummy ache?
去水沟里取点水来 Get some water from the ditch.
或许他需要点仙泥 Maybe he needs fairy dust.
我们得走了，等会再回来照顾你 We have to go.We'll check on you soon.
希望你能感觉好点 I hope you feel better.
他已经没流血了 He's not bleeding anymore.
他的虫子朋友来帮他了 And his bug friends came to help him.
我们给你带了更多的仙泥来 We brought you some more fairy dust.
他睡着了，我们走吧 He's asleep. Let's go.
天呐哥们，他都发臭了 Damn, man! He stinks.
这是不是你第一次埋人 Well, if you'd have buried him the first time,
我们又没别的办法，不是吗 we wouldn't have this problem now, would we?
能不能再等气味好闻一些 If you're waiting for him to smell any better,
那根本不可能 it ain't gonna happen.
所以你得随时准备好，放松点 So whenever you're ready, feel free.
我们不应该触碰绿色的玩意儿 We should've never touched that green stuff.
我在跟你讲话 I'm telling you
我们不能碰那玩意 we should've never touched it.
为什么他会穿着短裙 Why the hell is he in a tutu?
他离开了 He's gone.
他肯定感觉好多了就飞走了 He got better and flew away.
假象
营养不良
粪肥
你他妈在干嘛 What the fuck are you doing?
我叫你去做事，你在搞什么 When I tell you to do something, you do it!
那是什么东西 What is that?
不要 No.
你就像你妈一样 You're just like Mama.
脑子有屎 Shit for brains!
求求你帮帮我，求你了 Please help me. Please!
快点，快点 Hurry, hurry.
不要 No!
你觉得你他妈在干嘛，小子 What the fuck do you think you're doing, boy?
马上滚蛋 Get out of here, now.
不行 No.
我之前就不该放过你 I should've done this a long time ago.
脑子有屎 Shit for brains!
掠夺者
哇哇哇哇哇 Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
掠夺者
墨西哥舞曲
你确定要这样吗，杰伊，我 Are you sure about this, Jay? I...
我只想躲在后面 I think I'm just gonna stand in the back.
拜托，给力点，小表弟 Oh, come on, little cuz.
只有软蛋才躲在后面 Only wimps stand in the back.
你需要历练 You need to experience
你要离扼杀者科克的狂怒近一点 the fury of Cock Strangler up close.
你会爱上那样的，小兄弟 You're gonna love this, little bud.
那是死亡重金属 It's death metal.
死亡重金属 D-E-A-T-H metal.
问候一下垃圾的地球人们 Greetings, puny earthlings.
我是罗德科克 I am Lord Cock,
这些都是我放纵而淫荡的仆从 and these are my servants in cockering and debauchery.
和我们一起，我们是扼杀者科克 Together, we are Cock Strangler.
这第一首歌是 This first one is called
童子屎马特的《穿越时间》 Traveling Through Time as Embryonic Fecal Matter.
杰伊，我觉得我该走了 Jay, I think I'm gonna get out of...
婚姻
露易丝 Louise.
我希望你能想象一下你丈夫的脸 I'd like you to visualize your husband's face.
我看到他了 I see him.
当我再次念你的名字的时 Now when I say your name again...
我希望你能看到我 I want you to see me.
你的史蒂文 Your Steven.
没有任何阻碍 No holding back.
不再害怕 Not anymore.
我很抱歉我伤害了你，露易丝 I'm sorry I hurt you, Louise.
你不觉得这声音听着很蠢吗 Do you even understand how stupid that sounds?
保持冷静 Calm down.
没什么大碍 There is nothing
那样会伤害你的身体 that can hurt you physically.
医生，我们是怎么回事 Doctor, what's happening to us?
我们息息相关，露易丝 We are all connected, Louise.
甚至可以说，你和我 Specifically, you and I
在一瞬间我们已经融合了 are more connected than most, at this moment.
我不想伤害你 I don't wanna hurt you.
那就停止伤害自己，露易丝 Then stop hurting yourself, Louise.
我爱你，露易丝 I love you, Louise.
我想修复这种情况 I wanna fix this.
你想修复这种情况 You wanna fix this...
你操了你的秘书 You fucked your assistant.
老天爷都知道操了多少次 God knows how many times.
我知道之后，你甚至邀请他来我家 And even after I found out, you invited her into our home.
- 你还装作若无其事 - 对 - As if nothing had happened! - Yes.
让他知道 Let him know.
表达出来 Communicate it.
统统的表达出来 Let it all go!
我把一切都给你了 I gave you everything.
你却做了什么 And what did you do?
你如此对我，如此对待我们 You shit on me. You shit on us.
我每次想起你的脸 And every time I think of your face,
我都想朝你吐一口浓痰 I want to spit on you.
我要让你在死之前每天都记得 I'm gonna make sure that you know every day, until you die,
你是多麽混蛋 what a shit you are.
现在睁开眼睛 Now open your eyes,
来看看你仇恨表现出来的样子 and see the physical manifestation of your hatred
仇恨有无数的表达方式 Hate shows itself in a million different ways.
现在他已经不在你体内了 And now that it is no longer inside of you,
你可以做任何事了 you can do anything.
- 基督医生 - 出去 - Dr. Christian. - Get out!
你来的太早了，史蒂文 You're early, Steven.
婚 姻
牺牲者
谢谢你 Thank you.
这时候，是我们的最后一天 On this, our final day,
我们聚在一起致敬我们的兄弟 we all gather to pay tribute to our brother.
因为我们的罪孽，还有愤怒 For our sins, our anger,
和我们不可告人的秘密 our secret desires,
全都随他而去 all go with him.
嗨 Hi.
没有他的牺牲 Without his sacrifice...
实际上 In purity
就没有正义 and with righteousness.
谢谢你 Thank you.
玩真的吗，孩子 Really, kid?
谢谢你 Thank you.
因为他要在黑暗中前行 Because he journeys into the darkness,
我们才可以永远的 we may all go on forever
追寻光明 in the light.
我真的很抱歉 I'm really sorry about this.
不，没事，我一整天都在这 No, it's fine. I'm here all day.
- 来试试吧 - 棒极了 - Got it! - Great.
谢谢你，味道很不错 Thank you. That was delicious.
谢谢你 Thank you.
不客气 You're welcome.
因为只有他在黑暗中前行 Because he journeys into the darkness,
我们才能永远 we may all go on forever
追寻光明 in the light.
那样我们才能在光明中永生 So that we may live forever in the light.
阿门 Amen.
牺牲者
斗牛士
肉食
食物准备好了，先生 Your food is ready, sir.
希望您对晚宴满意，先生 I hope you enjoyed your meal, sir.
谢谢您，先生 Thank you, sir.
您的车已经准备好了 Your car is waiting.
肉食
美人鱼
你能别乱搞吗，把鱼都吓跑了 Can you not do that? You're scaring off the fish.
当然可以。我还是个孩子的时候... Yeah, right. When I was a kid...
- 我们开始了 - ...我爸爸常常拿我当诱饵 - Here we go. - ...My dad used to throw me in as bait.
- 扯犊子 - 是真的，哥们 - Bullshit. - It's true, man.
那都不算事儿 It doesn't even matter.
我是说，如果我们能钓到好东西 I mean, whether we're casting lines,
就可以在酒吧随便玩骚女人 picking up skanks at the bar.
别担心，我总是能产生最大的价值 Doesn't matter, I always go home with the biggest prize.
没错，最大的价值 Yeah, the biggest prize.
会富成死肥佬，对吧？ Hey, fatties count, right?
得了，又是操蛋的一天，伙计 Catch. What a fucking day, man.
我想吃个三明治 I'm gonna get a sandwich.
嘿，加勒特，你鱼竿有东西上钩了 Hey, Garrett, something's on your line.
你的鱼竿，你鱼竿有东西上钩了 Your line, you got something hooked on the line.
- 保罗，保罗 - 不，我逮到他了，逮到了 - Pull. Pull. - No, I got it. I got it.
见鬼，加勒特，我抓住你了 Oh, shit. Garrett, I got you.
快上来，加油，加勒特 Come up. Come on, Garrett.
加油伙计 Come on, buddy.
抓住杆子，抓住他娘的杆子 Grab the pole. Grab the fucking pole.
我不知道是什么鬼东西，但肯定是个大家伙 I don't even know what it is, but it's fucking huge, man.
我去他大爷 Holy shit!
- 哥们，抓住它尾巴 - 把这玩意儿放下来，帮帮我 - Dude, grab the tail. - Put it down. Help me out.
放好它 Pull it.
把它抬起来，加油 Lift that up. Come on.
我们抓到了 Here we go.
好了，提醒了，卧槽 It's okay, stop! Fuck!
这他妈是条鱼，伙计 It's a fucking fish, man.
这他妈是条美人鱼 It's a fucking mermaid.
别，听我说，你疯了吗，看看她 No, listen to me. Are you crazy? Look at her.
- 这是个人 - 我抓到的，这是我的鱼 - This is a person. - I caught it, it's my fish.
我要杀了它，伙计，这可是一天的收获，兄弟 I'm killing it, man. Catch of the day, buddy.
混蛋，停下来，不要 Bullshit, stop it! No!
滚开 Just get off!
嘿，我不会让他伤害你 Hey, I'm not gonna let him touch you.
什么，你爱上这玩意了吗 What, you're in love with the thing?
不，我只是不想你杀了她 No, I'm just not gonna let you kill her.
往后退，加勒特 Back off, Garrett.
没事的 It's okay.
我不会让他伤害你 I won't let him touch you.
我不得不说，伙计，你骗到我了 I gotta say, man. You had me going.
我还以为你真的爱上了这个玩意儿 Thought you were really in love with this one or something.
我不这样说，你根本打不过他们 Well, what can I say. You can't win 'em all.
我想叫你骗子，但是算了吧 I'd call you a cheat, but fuck it.
- 敬今天的收获 - 敬今天的收获 - To the catch of the day. - Catch of the day.
美人鱼
圣诞快乐
天呐，闭嘴，你个小混球 Jesus, pipe down, you little shit.
不知道为什么这几天真他妈的辛苦 Don't know why it's so fucking hard these days.
你还要尝尝这种感觉吗 Do you ever get the feeling
老是做些毫无意义的事儿 what you're doing is completely pointless.
我很严厉的 I'm serious.
每一天，每一年 Every day, every year,
全都融为一体了 it all just blends into one.
我要怎么去做 What am I achieving?
难道要我总是去为别人而活吗 What am I actually contributing to anyone's life?
你知道的，你做的事情很重要 Well, you know, what you're doing is important.
是吗？孩子们需要去吓一吓 Yeah? Kids need to be afraid.
你是帮圣诞老人的忙呀 Well, you're helping Santa, if anything.
对，这对他来说太可怕了 Yeah, well, it's all awesome for him.
每个人都喜欢圣诞老人 Everybody loves Santa,
但是谁他妈记得我 but how am I gonna be remembered?
一个毁掉别人生活的卑鄙小人 Some miserable goat-fuck that ruins people's lives.
我的价值何在 Where's my appreciation?
可能是因为除了这个没有别的事情让我更爽了 'Cause it's not like this makes me feel good anymore.
我不想因为作为邪恶圣诞老人而被人记住 I don't wanna be remembered as Krampus the Christmas
每个人都爱撸管撸成个胖子，还洋洋得意的样子 whilst everyone wanks over that fat, smug prick.
对，去你他妈的 Yeah, fuck you and your fucking beard.
你就没有了解到其他东西了吗 You haven't got it in you anymore, have you?
你记得你打我吗 You remember that beating you gave me?
记得吗 You remember that?
嗯 Yeah.
你上次有那种感觉是什么时候 When was the last time you felt like that?
你知道的，不是吗 You know what, though?
我可以成为一个好人 I could have been a good guy.
我还他妈想去给可乐代言 I want the fucking Coke endorsement.
你知道的，为时还不晚 Well, you know, it's not too late.
给圣诞气氛掺入一点冷意 Put a bit of Christmas spirit into that cold,
像你冷酷的心一样 cold heart of yours.
如果你想，马上就可以开始 Start right now, if you want.
你要做的就是放下一切 All you've got to do is just take this off.
- 真的吗 - 对，当然 - Really? - Yeah, of course.
- 就你和我吗？ - 对 - Just you and me? - Yep.
最好的朋友 Best of friends.
散播圣诞节的喜悦，让人们开心 Spreading Christmas cheer and making people happy.
从现在开始我要被人记住 Now that's how I wanna be remembered.
就我们两个人？ Just the two of us?
对，就你和我，哥们 Yeah, it's just you and me, pal.
- 征服世界 - 没错 - Taking on the world. - Yeah.
就像小鬼警察一样 Like in Cop and a Half!
有点怪 Bit weird.
我有一枚八年的警徽 "I'm an eight-year-old with a badge!"
你还是你，我则是伯特雷诺兹 Except that could be you, and I can be Burt Reynolds.
对，你知道的，放下一切 Yeah, you know, just take these off.
我们是兄弟吧，对吗 We are buddies, right?
对，当然 Yeah, of course.
你就像我哥一样 You're like a brother to me.
你的全部我都了解 You're all that I know.
他们能为此颂唱 They're gonna sing songs about this.
关于我们的友谊 About us.
现在我将跻身于世界大事记 Now I'm gonna be a chocolate in a calendar.
去你妈的，克朗普斯，你毛发浓密的像女人阴道 Fuck you, Krampus, you thick cunt.
你在搞什么，说好的小鬼警察 What are you doing? What about Cop and a Half?
去他妈的 Oh, fuck.
你看过小鬼警察吗 Have you ever seen Cop and a Half?
一团糟
我快高潮了
我要上厕所
闭嘴，给我闭嘴
这是什么鬼
我一辈子就栽在这个毛病上了
我生下来就带着这个包袱
我是通过肚脐拉屎
这是我的毛病
现在
我只想找个懂我的人
找个能接受我的这个毛病的人
放松 放松
我知道这可能看起来像是恐怖电影
一个犯罪现场
但是这些全是一些预防措施
所以你别担心任何事情
这儿并不混乱
如今你的毛病，反而让一些人更加兴奋
非常开心
我太好奇了
强烈的好奇心
当你拉屎的时候这儿会痛吗
有时候会
我将尽力而为
让你的肚脐成为奇迹
一团糟
救世主
啊 Ah!
救世主
意识融聚
神迹
手机
母亲
亲爱的，吃晚饭了 Honey, dinner!
深陷情网
嗯 Mmm.
不 No!
深陷情网
摩门传教士
- 嗨，今天怎么样 - 很好 - Hi, how are we doing today? - Fine.
我们是教堂来的传教士，耶稣的后期圣徒 We're missionaries from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
我们四处传播耶稣的教诲 We go around preaching the teachings of Jesus
以及他们如何庇佑我们的生活 and how they can bless our lives.
我们想知道你是否有兴趣了解更多 We were wondering if you'd be interested in learning more.
我们有自己的宗教，谢谢你 We have our own religion, thank you.
你愿意在自己的宗教里信仰基督吗 Do you have a faith in Christ yourself?
可以，不过 Yes, I do, but...
我们只是想增加你的信心 Well, we'd just like to add to your faith.
我是迪安长老，这是阿奇博尔德长老 I'm Elder Dean, this is Elder Archibald.
你好 Hello.
他话不多，对吗 He doesn't say much, does he?
对，我更适合做个交流者，你叫什么 Yeah, I'm more of the talker. What's your name?
你们俩像是好孩子 Look, you two seem like nice boys,
但我丈夫现在不在 but my husband isn't in right now,
我想你们等他在的时候过来 and I would really feel more comfortable
那样我可能更舒服一点 if you would come back when he's here.
- 不行 - 有什么问题吗？ - No. - Excuse me?
对，那不符合我们的工作要求 Yeah, that's not gonna work for us.
我们在里面深入交流 But we can discuss it more inside.
你们不能进去 You're not coming in here.
额，我怕我们可以 Uh, yeah, I'm afraid we are.
长老 Elder.
所以，这就是你从事的工作吗 So, is this what you're working on?
你知道，我锤子玩的很溜 You know, I'm pretty handy with a hammer.
或许阿奇博尔德长老和我可以帮你解脱 Maybe Elder Archibald and I can help you out.
你想那样吗 Would you like that?
你可以让她说话了 You can let her speak.
你们为什么这样做 Why are you doing this?
求你们，你们可以那走我的钱 Please. You can take my money.
请不要伤害我，放过我吧，求你们了 Just please don't hurt me. Let me go, please.
把她放倒 Hold her down.
怎么了 What happened?
你为什么要这样做 Why would you do this?
我不知道 I don't understand.
哦不 Oh, no.
谢天谢地你回来了 Oh, I'm so glad you're home.
你干了什么 What have you done?
他们打伤了我的脸 They bashed my face in.
你没事的 You're fine.
你，你没事的 You're... You're fine.
摩门传教士
蛛母
喂？ Em?
为 Em.
好了，我们快点完事，20分钟后我有个约会 All right, let's get this over with. I got a date in 20 minutes.
我们要处理什么，一只蟑螂还是一只老鼠 What are we dealing with? A cockroach? A mouse?
蜘蛛 Spider.
我的老天爷 Oh, my God!
我不敢相信你杀了这玩意 I can't believe you killed that thing.
别动 Don't move.
那只是个幼崽 That's just the baby.
它，它走了吗 Is it... Is it gone?
它走了吗 Is it gone?
玩砸
污秽之物
把嘴放上去 Put your mouth on it.
污秽之物
变异
说句真心话我知道这是真的 There's one thing that I know to be true in my heart
成千上万的基督徒也都知道 and millions of good Christians out there also know it,
就是全能的神已经厌烦人类捉弄上帝 that is that the Almighty is tired of mankind playing God.
现在，他将要亲临审判我们 And now, he visits his judgment upon us.
我们必须祈求宽恕 We must pray together for forgiveness.
有一种说法是，病毒已经 So one theory is, the virus is a result
通过澳大利亚南部的陨石撞击中散播出来 of the recent meteorite impact in Southern Australia.
事实上，撞击发生在5月23日 The fact is, the impact was on May 23.
而首次爆发M216病毒是在5月24日 The first recorded outbreak of the M216 virus was on May 24, one day later.
教授，你是否读了研究所的报告 Professor, if you had read the Institute's manuscript,
昨天出版的 that came out yesterday...
- 我读过了 - 你读了吗 - I've read it. - You've read it?
全是公司歇斯底里的废话 More nonsense from a corporation trying desperately
来掩盖巨大的失职 to cover up some of the biggest bungles...
这令人发指 That is an outrageous...
没错 Okay.
我们必须离开一会儿 We're gonna have to leave it there for the moment,
因为我们马上要现场直播 as we go live now
连线在澳大利亚墨尔本的通讯员索尼娅帕塔尔 to Australian correspondent, Sonja Patel in Melbourne.
索尼娅，你能告诉我们那边的情况吗 Sonja, what can you tell us about the situation there?
嗨，吉姆，我现在在... Hi, Jim, I'm here at...
六个月前流星坠落的地方 ...that meteor crashed six months ago.
正如你所看到的 As you can see,
这完全给人一种困惑不解的感觉 it's just a complete sense of bewilderment across...
有什么可以帮助人们治疗的有效措施吗 What measures have been put in place to help the people there?
几乎没有，我... Very little, I'm...
吉姆，现在天空中有很多像蝙蝠一样的怪物 Jim, there are these crazy bat things in the sky
正好在我们现在的正上方 right above us right now.
看起来，看起来局面在不断恶化 There seems... There seems to be a situation developing...
爱尔维斯下车了 Elvis has left the vehicle.
我们来了 Incoming!
哇哦 Whoo!
我的天哪 Oh, my God.
来跳舞啊，臭婊子 Dance, bitch.
你最好滚回你的办公室，小甜心 You'd better run back to your office, sweetheart!
世界是我们的了，哇哦 The world belongs to us now. Whoo!
我们的神明就在这儿 This is the mother lode right here.
他们无处不在 They're fuckin' everywhere!
该用大家伙了，我的亲娘诶 Time for the big guns, mama!
- 哇哦 - 哇哦 - Whoo! - Whoo!
你这狗娘养的 You motherfuckers!
哇哦 Whoo!
滚回娘胎里去吧 Return to sender!
玩的开心吗 Having fun?
从来没这样爽过 I've never felt more alive.
天呐，你好美 God, you're beautiful.
别说话，吻我 Shut up and kiss me.
苍天有眼 Lord have mercy!
过来了 Incoming.
一为财 * It's one for the money *
二为秀 * Two for the show *
三是准备 * It's three to get ready *
现在出发咯 * Now, go, packs, go *
哇哦 Whoo!
你这狗娘养的，哇哦 You motherfuckers! Whoo!
26种死法2.5